What's with the fog? Well let me tell you: Hott Stranger is about to get hit by a car, and then DISAPPEAR! Who is this stranger? I have to assume he’s the voice-over vamp, especially since he has declared himself a vampire “alone in the world.” I'm always amazed at how they come up with new and inventive vampire/horror story details: “There’s no signal!“ Of course not, helpless blonde, you’re in the middle of a horror scene! Oh dear, poor Darren -- at least he enjoyed an overly-extended view of the stranger‘s odd ring before kicking it. Now our Hott Stranger can FLY! Note: Vampires can fly. And not only fly, but carry other people while flying.
Overly-dramatic, badly acted Journal Entry, the First: I like the idea that Double S didn't have a choice but to come home, as though he were contractually obligated by this show to go back and stir up some doppelganger drama by constantly getting together with and breaking up with his True Love who happens to look exactly like his other True Love who Died *takes a breath.* Enter the true love with her own emo diary entry: Bobblehead Elaina, with a body so disproportionately thin that it make her head look like a balloon. You’d think she’d be writing about this obvious center-of-balance issue, but no -- we hear about her valiant struggle to “start new, be someone new. It’s the only way I’ll make it through.“ (Well Bobblehead, let me tell you that this New You is incredibly flat, and you manage to make it through by seemingly forgetting about your dead parents and clinging to the drama of your codependent relationship with a vamp weenie.) What a convenient introduction of the backstory! And now enter her little brother, Steve McQueen (believe it or not, Bobblehead's little brother is the great Steve McQueen's grandson!). He is appropriately grumpy and moody for having his parents die FOUR MONTHS AGO!
Bobblehead, on the other hand, is apparently ready to leave that behind, which she tells her best friend, Bonnie, aka Sassy. Sassy is overly okay with the "forget your dead-of-four-months parents" plan, and ignores the ominous Crow whom she just hit with her car. Elaina is freaked out because of her recent experience with car accidents, but I maintain that anyone would be freaked out if the driver dramatically spun off the road after being thwacked by a crow.
Was "tranny mess" ever okay to say?
Oh, poor Mr. Good Guy Matt. He actually looks like a high schooler (albeit way too hot to be a good guy). And Bobblehead looks great in red! Caroline looks great in blue, and we are introduced to her in all her fantastic shallowness. My question is, do people really have friends like that?
…Was this what high school was like?
Enter the druggie scene, because apparently all druggies in high school today wear everything from Abercrombie and Fitch. Tyler makes a good point about black nail polish which involves Pete Wentz wanting his back, and Steve McQueen makes an equally valid point about how Tyler looks like Carson Daily, though I would like to meet the high schooler who still knows who Carson Daily is. And it is established that Tyler Daily and Vicky are sexually involved. Duly noted.
Double S is finally in the game! Bobblehead and Sassy stop ever so subtly in the middle of the hall to check out the "new arrival" whose face will remain teasingly hidden for the next five minutes. I don't know that I agree with Sassy's deeming his a "hott back," but I'm also not sure I know what that means. Hott back aside, that is one hideous butt-shot.
Double S pulls a fast one with the secretary who looks fab in purple makeup, and gets into the school.Aside: if I were a vampire, the last place I would return to is high school. Granted, the high school portrayed here seems much more like college with unknown sources of endless funds, so I need to rethink that.
Bobblehead follows her brother into the bathroom because he must be high if he already needs to pee, thus beginning the bi-episodely bathroom trespassing. I do, however, like that Bobblehead is anti-drug. That's cool. Whoops, seems like she wasn't entirely sure where she was until she heard the flushing sound. Yep, you're in the boy's bathroom.
Double S seems not to notice all the girls staring at him, including Sassy standing awkwardly in the middle of the hall, at whom he walks when leaving. Oh! There's Bobblehead! And finally we see Double S’s face! ....Letdown. **Love at first sight!** Bobblehead mumbles something dramatically incoherent about being in the boy's bathroom, and Double S steps in her way a couple of times while she tries to get by. What a prankster.
Ah class, because these high schoolers actually go to class! That won't last long, I'm sure. Text speak which I am not patient enough to figure out takes up the screen for a minute between smoldering glances between Bobblehead and Double S. Mr. Good Guy looks on sullenly. Ten minutes in and we’ve got ourselves a love triangle.
Turns out Bobblehead does remember her parents, and hangs out in the graveyard. She does a melodramatic and somewhat bleak voice-over while the crow comes over and the FOG! Note: vampires are accompanied by crows and fog. The Fog comes along, quite subtly I might add, and Bobblehead decides that the most pressing matter is to get rid of the bird. (It’s a crow, Elaina, it can’t peck you to death. Well, actually, you’re pretty gaunt so maybe it could. Run!) Hott Stranger lurks in the mist, causing Bobblehead in her top-heaviness to fall over while running. Double S, apparently unaware of the Fog, jumps out at Bobblehead, who mumbles something about being in a Hitchcock movie ("It's Hitchcock, right?").
It's scary to live in a world that remembers Carson Daily and not Alfred Hitchcock.
Bobblehead points out the gaudy bauble on Double S's finger, and Double S acts strangely before detecting a hidden gash on Bobblehead's leg. A pretty big gash, actually, which she deems as nothing. And he disappears, Batman-like, into the unexplained Fog. He declares: “I am simply not able to resister her“…blood! It’s fitting that Elaina and Stephan should officially meet in the cemetery, as their on-screen chemistry is figuratively AND literally near the grave).
Double S is emotional, too, and also keeps an overly dramatic diary. Turns out, he keeps Bobblehead's diary, too! (Who thinks he actually read it? I think he just sniffed it a couple times, what with him obviously being a Good Guy. But wait! Isn’t he running around nomming on people’s jugulars? Could that possibly be someone else?!)Now we establish that Vicky, for whom I have yet to come up with a witty name, is Mr. Good Guy Matt's sister, and Mr. Good Guy and Tyler Daily are best friends, despite that Good Guy knows Tyler is a total dick. It is also established that Vicky and Steve McQueen are also hooking up, but possibly for and while on drugs. It is also established very subtly *cough* that Vicky has slightly less than high self esteem.
"When was the last time you had sex with a puppy?" is officially the greatest question asked in this entire episode.
Caroline, who will be called her name because she does some actual acting, has gathered all the information on Double S. She has her sights set on him. Possibly because of his hot back. Regardless, she looks great in that blue number. From her we find out that Stephan is a Gemini ... the astrological sign of two faces. Get it? Get it?! He has two faces! One, a manly version of Robert Pattison; the other, monster mange' fest. You writers are so subtly clever. Sorry to say that now he's actually a Taurus, apparently. So there goes that gag.
Bobblehead is meeting her friends at The Grill, and her Aunt Cool Gal takes a minute to sycophantically pretend that she's an adult. Bobblehead is surprised but not bothered by Double S jumping out at her when she opens the front door, and they have an exchange during which a) he gives her journal back and tells her he hasn't read it, b) he "lets slip" that he, too, keeps an overly dramatic journal, c) he is quite comfortable in a shirt, hoodie, and leather jacket while Bobblehead is comfortable in a skimpy spaghetti strap shirt, and d) he has a moment with the door jamb. Note: Vampires cannot enter a house without an invitation.
Mr. Good Guy and Sassy discuss their friend patronizingly, and with little sympathy that her parents died FOUR MONTHS AGO! Mr. Good Guy, graceful as he is, takes having Bobblehead, his ex-girlfriend, walking in with another guy in stride. Hmmm... Double S evasively declares that he has no siblings that he talks to, hmmmm... he lives with his uncle, hmmm...Scene: Antebellum house. Double S's "uncle" walks in and accuses Double S of tearing people up, and then, waaaaaaait a minute, calls Double S "uncle"? WHAT'S GOING ON!? Aha, he's a vampire! And he keeps a diary... wait, I think I just put something together. And he has a picture of Bobblehead in period dress, but it's labeled Katherine 1864, WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN!?
Scene: classroom. Asshat History Teacher makes a very good, if asshatty, comment to Sassy about how cute becomes dumb in an instant. Mr. Good Guy has a witty response ready when Asshat moves on to him, and then he sticks it to Bobblehead. Asshat tells Bobblehead that she should be over her parents' deaths by now before Double S suavely answers his original question, and -- not only that -- but corrects Asshat in a smug manner. Double S is quite the history buff rebel, it turns out.And now the long-awaited party featuring epic amounts of alcohol being publicly drunk by 17-year-olds! Blondes kiss! Double S uses his super hearing to find Bobblehead and eavesdrop on her conversation with Sassy. Bobblehead thinks he’s “pretty." Sassy sees a crow, Fog, and a man when she touches Bobblehead, but they both dismiss it as nothing, despite the fact that she has not had a single line of dialogue that does not speak of her plausible psychic talent and the copious screen time of crows, fog, and Hott Stranger in this episode. Double S then Batmans Bobblehead again, which she ignores, again. Bobblehead dismisses her friend's trouble because Double S is hot and therefore more important than her best friend's impending psychic talent.
Double S thinks Bobblehead is sad, and Bobblehead highlights her demure and classy personality by pointing out that they met in a men's room. She then divulges how her parents died in an attempt to, what, prove that she's not sad? Even though she survived the crash that killed them? But she's over it, folks, don't worry.
Vicky and Tyler Daily are not having sex against a tree. Tyler Daily decides that he is going to rape her, and this seems to not be a huge deal to anyone involved when it doesn't actually happen. Vicky wins Ms. Jaded 2010.
Bobblehead and Mr. Good Guy went out because of childhood obligation, and she broke up with him because her parents died. Oh, and it was passionless, which is a must for high-school relationships; that and a sure date for the homecoming dance. Yes, good, that all makes sense. But Double S understands, just as Bobblehead understands that sometimes people's eyes go veiny and red when they're emotional, so Double S's explanation of "it's nothing" goes over just fine.
Vicky is inexplicably walking alone deep in the forest, and here comes The Fog! And Hott Stranger! And an Ominous Crunching Noise! Spoiler alert: That crunching was probably her neck being torn apart.
Mr. Good Guy is rightly miffed at Bobblehead, and Double S stalks suspiciously out of the dark forest. Mr. Good Guy is still caught on Bobblehead (must be her deep personality), but expresses this in a very manly and Good Guy way. Double S is kindly up front with Caroline, who is taken aback that a man could pass up such a tasty dish.
Steve McQueen has decided to drift drunkenly into the forest, and finds Vicky, who is dead! But comes back dramatically! And Double S is horrified and runs away! And Mr. Good Guy notices! Note: Vampires run at normal speeds. Uncle/nephew is concerned, but not overly so, and we find a crow - and Hott Stranger - who turns out to be Hott Damon! - waiting in his room, where he delivers a wonderful line "Hello brother!" And by “wonderful,” I mean “one of the worst lines of dialogue ever written, but to be featured at the beginning of every episode for the entirety of the first season.”
Aha! The Fog and Crow are Hott Damon's doing! And now that we are all let in on that tidbit, we can get rid of those gags. So now we'll never hear of either of them again. Note: discount all previous notes (except for the door jamb one, which will be woven halfheartedly through the series). Which is a shame, because I'm thinking these abilities could come in handy. Carrier Crow instead of Pigeon, anyone? Hott Damon needs to do something with that hair, it looks like a grown-out bowl cut... but gotta love the eyes! Oooo, Hott Damon has his eye on Bobblehead, as well! Intrigue! Love … square?
Sassy can't be psychic, there's no way, but maybe she is a little bit, and OH MY GOD, get over yourself Sassafras, because I am so over you!!
Aha, Hott Damon knew Katherine as well. Oooh, how did it end Hott Damon?! How?! Yes! Fight! Vamp out! Hott Damon is not there when Double S lands on the ground, presumably having flown away, which he will also never bring up or do again. Note: you already forgot about those above-written notes, right?
Hott Damon makes fun of his brother's face, love it. It is now also established that it is his gaudy ring that gives him the power to be in the sun. Phew, thank goodness only these two vampires seem to have this ability. Spoiler alert: That was sarcasm. Hott Damon goes deliciously evil, and then strides away whistling, but not before delivering this gem: “When’s the last time you’ve had something stronger than a squirrel?” Any line that can be read as bestiality gets a A+ in my book.
Bobblehead: "You okay?"
Steve McQueen: "No Sis, our rents died four months ago."
Bobblehead: "It's time to move on, nobody remembers that anymore!"
Steve McQueen: "You're being emo in secret! I want to be emo too!"
Bobblehead: "Mom and Dad hated emo kids."
Poor Caroline, she also has low self esteem, but Sassy seems to be a pretty good friend. Caroline needs to do something new with her eyebrows, but sums up being a teenager quite nicely, making me like her even more. Because she's real in her insecurities.
Mr. Good Guy is alone by his sister's bed in the hospital... so he is the only one to hear the gasped word "Vampire!" while gazing with his gorgeous baby blues.
VAMPIRE?!?!
Now an actual montage of Overly Dramatic Diary Writing Voice Over. During this montage, we see the two actual actors exchange a look by actually acting their parts. (Hint: it’s not Double S and Bobblehead). Bobblehead is not at all creeped out by Double S staring at her through her window, and they share an emotional understanding moment. She invites him in, and his moment with the door jamb is over. Success. Not successful: The diary voice over trying to render this vampire emodrama profound. Spoiler alert: Thank goodness Vampire DIARIES drops the reference to diaries within a few episodes.
End Title
Cheese scale of trendy songs: 5/10
Hott Damon's body count grand total: 2.5 (each attempted killing earns him a .5)
*Grand total of times Double S and Bobblehead modify their relationship: 0
Grand total of times Sassy is sassy: infinite
